So, you may be thinking, why have I called this blog 'The Reorganised Mother'? To explain, I really have to go into a bit of my background. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND) in February 2012, though as far as I can see, the only reason it was diagnosed as PND rather than just depression was because I had had a baby within the previous 12 months. After seeing one GP who was very helpful and suggested many different ways I could try and help myself without resorting to antidepressants, my gran then died and I went to pieces, resulting in another GP convincing me that antidepressants were the only way out of the dark hole I was in. After initially making me feel worse, they did start to make me feel less depressed, but I wasn't "better". I felt a bit lost, because the antidepressants had really been presented to me as a solution in and of themselves, though increasingly I felt I couldn't get better until I knew what had gone wrong and how to fix it. Eventually, I discovered some counselling at the Women's Centre in my area, available for up to six to eighteen 50-minute sessions for the bargain price of a £10 donation per session. There was a waiting list, but I was able to skip up it by being willing to have a trainee counsellor.
Having counselling has made a big difference to my life. I thought it would be probably 6 sessions maximum, because I didn't have what I considered to be particularly bad mental health problems that required treatment, and in truth, I felt a bit guilty going along in case I was taking a counselling spot away from someone who really needed it. What I discovered though was that I really needed it myself, and there probably aren't that many people who wouldn't benefit from counselling. I ended up having the full eighteen sessions. The purpose wasn't for my counsellor to tell me what the problem was and how to feel better - with her guidance, I discovered this for myself, which was far more useful. We mainly just talked about what was going on in my life, but I discovered that all these little things and how I reacted to them were connected to the big things, and in some instances, had made the big things so big in the first place.
I learned that I tended to talk about myself very negatively, that I said "I should" a lot, and that I directed a lot of energy into feeling down about things that I had decided "I should" be doing or should have done. It was illuminating to discover that I was setting these "shoulds" for myself and making myself feel guilty for not achieving them. I learned that I am a perfectionist, that I am hugely self-critical, that I over-analyse pretty much everything, that I have an over-developed sense of fairness and that the approval of others is massively important to me, for reasons unknown even to myself. I also learned that I am a work in progress. No one has the perfect life, no one is doing everything right all the time, everyone else is making mistakes too. That there is no point worrying obsessively about things I have no influence over and which I can't do anything about. That if I am worried about something I can do something about, I should do all I can and then stop worrying about it, because it is out of my hands. I learned that I have to stop worrying about the future and just enjoy the journey, because that is what life is all about. The biggest gift was probably self-awareness though. Now it's like I have a little mini counsellor in my head all the time!
Counselling has set me off in a new direction and helped me find myself again after getting a bit lost in just being a mum. Really, counselling has helped me reorganise my life, and discover what is important to me and for me and that is why this blog is called The Reorganised Mother. I'm a much happier and more positive person now, and I'm in the process of coming off my antidepressants (that will probably require its own separate blog post). I wouldn't say I'm fixed though. I will probably always be susceptible to depression, but I'll be far more adept at seeing the warnings signs and knowing how to get myself out of it. I've learned a lot about myself and how I work, and what I need, which has been invaluable. So I guess the purpose of this blog is to continue the journey and see what more there is to discover. I would love to become a writer one day, and I see this blog as an opportunity to practise. :-)
